I am not usually one to pour my feelings here, usually I am one that bottles them all up and shoves them as far back as they will go, today I feel compelled just to let it out, not exactly having the best of times right now.
I do hope, however that you are all well?
As the title suggests, I feel indeed I am some rollercoaster and travelling at light speed down hill towards who knows what.
I don't feel equipped with the constant up and down I'm going through, lastnight was rather tough, I feel sleep deprived, tired, useless and a complete utter waste of time right now. My body is screwing me over big time and I can't do anything to quit it, just have to go with the flow, which I hate. I try to keep myself busy so I don't have to put up with having nothing to think about except how crap I feel.
You know you're screwed when you listen to the demons/voices inside your mind that tell you, you are nothing, give it up and so on and so forth.
I don't expect sympathy or anything so please don't say sorry etc, it's a phase but seems like a long one. Trying to stay positive is really difficult, the other point I want to make is I don't like speaking about how I feel to people, it burdens them and only makes me feel worse, never before have I given up but I'm almost there, sheer stubborness is the only thing between me and giving up, the whole writing thing and although people think I have my head stuck in some cloud, no I don't, I'm stuck with reality just like everyone else, anyway I'd like to talk about lastnight, when I couldn't sleep, no matter what I did.
At 1.30am I was questioning myself as to why I was here, what were the reasons? What do I contribute to the world? Why do I feel like this? Why not try harder? There were so many questions it was as if I was in a crowded place with shouting going on.
Honestly I have no clue as to the reasons I'm here but there has to be a reason, as for purpose, perhaps it is to make a difference to the world within my writing, as to why do I feel like this, maybe because I am allowing myself to be swept away with the tide. As for trying harder, there's a possibility I could try harder but it is already hard enough trying to silence the demons and just grit my teeth and carry on going forward, my path is so unclear right now, I'm stressed and feeling a little lost as to where the hell I'm going.
Just a little note to finish on, - when you look into someone's eyes and you focus instead on the words, you will not feel or see how they are really feeling, give a few moments to truly listen to what is not being said, for that speaks louder than the words coming out of the person's mouth, never forget to hand a little time to yourself, you deserve it, even if it is five minutes sat somewhere in silence, never lose sight of your dreams, because once they go, the light goes out of you and you begin slipping away.
Have a good morning/afternoon/evening/night
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