I am not usually one to pour my feelings here, usually I am one that bottles them all up and shoves them as far back as they will go, today I feel compelled just to let it out, not exactly having the best of times right now.
I do hope, however that you are all well?
As the title suggests, I feel indeed I am some rollercoaster and travelling at light speed down hill towards who knows what.
I don't feel equipped with the constant up and down I'm going through, lastnight was rather tough, I feel sleep deprived, tired, useless and a complete utter waste of time right now. My body is screwing me over big time and I can't do anything to quit it, just have to go with the flow, which I hate. I try to keep myself busy so I don't have to put up with having nothing to think about except how crap I feel.
You know you're screwed when you listen to the demons/voices inside your mind that tell you, you are nothing, give it up and so on and so forth.
I don't expect sympathy or anything so please don't say sorry etc, it's a phase but seems like a long one. Trying to stay positive is really difficult, the other point I want to make is I don't like speaking about how I feel to people, it burdens them and only makes me feel worse, never before have I given up but I'm almost there, sheer stubborness is the only thing between me and giving up, the whole writing thing and although people think I have my head stuck in some cloud, no I don't, I'm stuck with reality just like everyone else, anyway I'd like to talk about lastnight, when I couldn't sleep, no matter what I did.
At 1.30am I was questioning myself as to why I was here, what were the reasons? What do I contribute to the world? Why do I feel like this? Why not try harder? There were so many questions it was as if I was in a crowded place with shouting going on.
Honestly I have no clue as to the reasons I'm here but there has to be a reason, as for purpose, perhaps it is to make a difference to the world within my writing, as to why do I feel like this, maybe because I am allowing myself to be swept away with the tide. As for trying harder, there's a possibility I could try harder but it is already hard enough trying to silence the demons and just grit my teeth and carry on going forward, my path is so unclear right now, I'm stressed and feeling a little lost as to where the hell I'm going.
Just a little note to finish on, - when you look into someone's eyes and you focus instead on the words, you will not feel or see how they are really feeling, give a few moments to truly listen to what is not being said, for that speaks louder than the words coming out of the person's mouth, never forget to hand a little time to yourself, you deserve it, even if it is five minutes sat somewhere in silence, never lose sight of your dreams, because once they go, the light goes out of you and you begin slipping away.
Have a good morning/afternoon/evening/night
XXXX
Monday, 30 March 2015
Friday, 15 August 2014
Suicide and depression, the way I seevit
It's been one hell of a week.
Firstly Robin Williams passed away on Monday, he took his own life.
The poor guy must have been far over the edge, I hope now he is at peace, he gave the world laughter and the world loved him, what was really sweet was that he had formed a bind with a gorilla called koko, when her keeper told her that Robin had died she started crying. He touched the hearts of millions and the world will be a bit darker now that Robin is no longer in it.
Anyway, that brings me onto mental health issues such as anxiety, depression etc and where it may lead. Obviously these opinions are my own, feel free to ignore me.
Since his death on Monday, mental health awareness seems to have rocketed.
It is time that the spotlight goes to mental health.
I'll tell you a bit more about me - (my family may murder me, as I never told them what I was going through, all I can say is sorry.)
From the age of 11, i began sticking my fingers down my throat, I thought I was fat, I gave in each time, hoping it would be the last time. Six years later I was at the very rock bottom, I still stuck my fingers down my throat, I also decided that self harm would be a good release, though now you can't see the scars, I don't think I cut myself too deep. It was a dark place but I didn't know I was there. I bring you to new years eve 1999, I'd had enough and found bleach under the sink, I began drinking it, my cat Marmalade was staring at Mr, he jumped onto my lap and gently started head butting me and purring, I gave up and decided to see what the new year brought, the new year brought me more than I could wish for, he helped stop me still king my fingers down my throat, even today that is at the back of my mind, I fight it every time and I'm still winning.
Mental health is no joke, - depression is like having a noose around your neck, waiting for the executioner to pull the lever, sad thing is you are both the executioner and hangman, be kind be loving, it may save someone's life.
Some people walk around like they're the only people on the planet, ignorant to what goes on around them.
If you know someone who is suffering with a mental illness, just be there for them, you'll never know how much you helped them but you weathered the storm with them.
For you ignorant stupid people, I sincerely hope it never happens to you, there's a small part of me that says otherwise, only then would you begin to understand.
For you that maybe suffering in silence, please don't, it nearly killed me, talk to someone, like the Samaritans, they will try and help, don't be afraid of what people may think, darkness never lasts forever.
I'm now signing off, thankyou for reading
Huge hugs and gentle wishes xxx
Firstly Robin Williams passed away on Monday, he took his own life.
The poor guy must have been far over the edge, I hope now he is at peace, he gave the world laughter and the world loved him, what was really sweet was that he had formed a bind with a gorilla called koko, when her keeper told her that Robin had died she started crying. He touched the hearts of millions and the world will be a bit darker now that Robin is no longer in it.
Anyway, that brings me onto mental health issues such as anxiety, depression etc and where it may lead. Obviously these opinions are my own, feel free to ignore me.
Since his death on Monday, mental health awareness seems to have rocketed.
It is time that the spotlight goes to mental health.
I'll tell you a bit more about me - (my family may murder me, as I never told them what I was going through, all I can say is sorry.)
From the age of 11, i began sticking my fingers down my throat, I thought I was fat, I gave in each time, hoping it would be the last time. Six years later I was at the very rock bottom, I still stuck my fingers down my throat, I also decided that self harm would be a good release, though now you can't see the scars, I don't think I cut myself too deep. It was a dark place but I didn't know I was there. I bring you to new years eve 1999, I'd had enough and found bleach under the sink, I began drinking it, my cat Marmalade was staring at Mr, he jumped onto my lap and gently started head butting me and purring, I gave up and decided to see what the new year brought, the new year brought me more than I could wish for, he helped stop me still king my fingers down my throat, even today that is at the back of my mind, I fight it every time and I'm still winning.
Mental health is no joke, - depression is like having a noose around your neck, waiting for the executioner to pull the lever, sad thing is you are both the executioner and hangman, be kind be loving, it may save someone's life.
Some people walk around like they're the only people on the planet, ignorant to what goes on around them.
If you know someone who is suffering with a mental illness, just be there for them, you'll never know how much you helped them but you weathered the storm with them.
For you ignorant stupid people, I sincerely hope it never happens to you, there's a small part of me that says otherwise, only then would you begin to understand.
For you that maybe suffering in silence, please don't, it nearly killed me, talk to someone, like the Samaritans, they will try and help, don't be afraid of what people may think, darkness never lasts forever.
I'm now signing off, thankyou for reading
Huge hugs and gentle wishes xxx
Sunday, 22 June 2014
New entry - catch up
Long time since I updated this, oooops!!
I hope everyone is well?
I'm updating my personal blog now, before I go to bed, I'm exhausted, just taken tramadol.
Not much to catch up on really, was a tough year last year but we've made it, for a short time this year things looked better, then it has slowly grinded to a halt and resumed as it was last year.
I'm trying to get myself in gear, most days it isn't possible because I don't have the energy.
You try to be positive and stay strong, but there's always a part of you that tells you its ok to cry, it isn't a weakness, cry it out, you'll feel better, mostly I do.
The book I'm co-creating is almost done, three chapters to go, then time to take a break, then do final read through spell check etc before the next step.
It was my 32nd birthday last week, as each year passes I get more sarcastic lmao.
Job centre on Tuesday as I'm signing up for a health n social care course with a 4 week placement, my lack of experience works against me, I have also applied for some voluntary jobs and taking short courses to keep my mind busy. Also I have been reviewing books and interviewing a lovely author called Irene Helenowski, I highly recommend you read order of the dimensions trilogy, though I've to read and review Final Orders.
I'm tired of being ill, but I won't let it beat me, never give up on what you want the most, because the moment you do, would have been the moment it comes true.
I hope things pick up for me and for anyone else who feels the same, much love and hugs.
Nadine xxx♥♥xxx
I hope everyone is well?
I'm updating my personal blog now, before I go to bed, I'm exhausted, just taken tramadol.
Not much to catch up on really, was a tough year last year but we've made it, for a short time this year things looked better, then it has slowly grinded to a halt and resumed as it was last year.
I'm trying to get myself in gear, most days it isn't possible because I don't have the energy.
You try to be positive and stay strong, but there's always a part of you that tells you its ok to cry, it isn't a weakness, cry it out, you'll feel better, mostly I do.
The book I'm co-creating is almost done, three chapters to go, then time to take a break, then do final read through spell check etc before the next step.
It was my 32nd birthday last week, as each year passes I get more sarcastic lmao.
Job centre on Tuesday as I'm signing up for a health n social care course with a 4 week placement, my lack of experience works against me, I have also applied for some voluntary jobs and taking short courses to keep my mind busy. Also I have been reviewing books and interviewing a lovely author called Irene Helenowski, I highly recommend you read order of the dimensions trilogy, though I've to read and review Final Orders.
I'm tired of being ill, but I won't let it beat me, never give up on what you want the most, because the moment you do, would have been the moment it comes true.
I hope things pick up for me and for anyone else who feels the same, much love and hugs.
Nadine xxx♥♥xxx
Monday, 11 March 2013
Update & A bloody good rant, I'm fuming!
Morning peeps,
hope all is better in your world than it is in mine?
This new ESA system is shite, once again they fuck people over and now I'm really pissed off.
I job hunt every day, sometimes I even apply for jobs I ain't qualified for, you never hear a thing back.
Anyway to the point - the new system has put my other half down as single, so that means £140 a fortnight all because someone changed the information at their end, they're sending out the paperwork/form that needs to be filled in, which will be here next week, well what fucking good is that? Then it has to be sent back, yet on the other system it's down as he is claiming for 4. What effing sense does that make?
I'm really mad, upset and quite frankly pissed off. Yes I know it does no good to be those things, but when you're been arsed fucked by the government, there's not alot else you can do.
Anyways onto other news - I had a job interview on friday and will find out if I have got the job by this friday. Hope to hell I get it, right now we could do with some luck and I could do with earning my way in this world.
I'm about to edit my book, to take my mind off this morning's events.
Have a fab day all.
X
hope all is better in your world than it is in mine?
This new ESA system is shite, once again they fuck people over and now I'm really pissed off.
I job hunt every day, sometimes I even apply for jobs I ain't qualified for, you never hear a thing back.
Anyway to the point - the new system has put my other half down as single, so that means £140 a fortnight all because someone changed the information at their end, they're sending out the paperwork/form that needs to be filled in, which will be here next week, well what fucking good is that? Then it has to be sent back, yet on the other system it's down as he is claiming for 4. What effing sense does that make?
I'm really mad, upset and quite frankly pissed off. Yes I know it does no good to be those things, but when you're been arsed fucked by the government, there's not alot else you can do.
Anyways onto other news - I had a job interview on friday and will find out if I have got the job by this friday. Hope to hell I get it, right now we could do with some luck and I could do with earning my way in this world.
I'm about to edit my book, to take my mind off this morning's events.
Have a fab day all.
X
Monday, 11 February 2013
In the face of.....???
Wow, it has been around two weeks since my last blog on my personal stuff lol.
I do hope all is well?
As the title suggests, in the face of?
Well it all feels like an uphill haul, I was actually tempted to put adversity, then realised that was a step too far, as it isn't all bad.
Going to do some editing after this.
The past fortnight has dragged to be honest, things have all but stopped, life really isn't going far right now. But the optimist within sees this period as a challenge. And of change, a change only I can make, no one else will do it for me, weight is placed on me and it is my burden to bare.
Editing needs to seriously speed up, but at the same time I have to take my time, otherwise there will be errors, mistakes and this may put off potential publishers.
No wonder I write alot, I can escape the drear reality and plunge myself into another world. I know, you think I'm deluded right? Wrong, it is the place where I can make sense of the world and for one moment, forget who I am.
As my good friend Nat will tell you, writing isn't just therapy, it's a way of life, someday soon we will get there, not that we expect things to be easy, but a break in the clouds would be ideal.
No matter what happens in life, the storms, the sun and the rain, there's always a helping hand, somewhere near by.
Let's hope I don't feel this gloomy next week lol
Nadine x
I do hope all is well?
As the title suggests, in the face of?
Well it all feels like an uphill haul, I was actually tempted to put adversity, then realised that was a step too far, as it isn't all bad.
Going to do some editing after this.
The past fortnight has dragged to be honest, things have all but stopped, life really isn't going far right now. But the optimist within sees this period as a challenge. And of change, a change only I can make, no one else will do it for me, weight is placed on me and it is my burden to bare.
Editing needs to seriously speed up, but at the same time I have to take my time, otherwise there will be errors, mistakes and this may put off potential publishers.
No wonder I write alot, I can escape the drear reality and plunge myself into another world. I know, you think I'm deluded right? Wrong, it is the place where I can make sense of the world and for one moment, forget who I am.
As my good friend Nat will tell you, writing isn't just therapy, it's a way of life, someday soon we will get there, not that we expect things to be easy, but a break in the clouds would be ideal.
No matter what happens in life, the storms, the sun and the rain, there's always a helping hand, somewhere near by.
Let's hope I don't feel this gloomy next week lol
Nadine x
Tuesday, 29 January 2013
Personal blog: Writing - a curse? a gift? Or something completely...
Personal blog: Writing - a curse? a gift? Or something completely...: Hello peeps, I hope all is well with you today? It has been a busy week and the denstist pain right now hurts lol! Yes it was the dreaded...
Writing - a curse? a gift? Or something completely unique?
Hello peeps,
I hope all is well with you today?
It has been a busy week and the denstist pain right now hurts lol! Yes it was the dreaded dentist this morning, step one of two, temp cap, with my new crown ready in 2 weeks time, doesn't sound painful does it? Until now lol, - get numbed, teeth checked, shave bad tooth down until there is a third left, then it is mould time, then glue temp cap on and out the door! Blooming jaw ache too thanks to the pressure the dentist exerted, mind you I suppose it was a necessary evil.
Monday was a snow day, the kids had an unexpected day off school, which meant chaos for us.
Tuesday we went to Halifax to pick a relative up from Hospital, glad to know he is home, though it will take time to get back to normal.
Wednesday I met my mum then went to my Auntie's new place.
Thursday Amelia went to hospital to have bloods done.
The rest felt like an utter blur.
Right onto the title subject, obviously as the title suggests, is writing a gift? A curse? Or something unique?
I guess that depends upon your point of view.
Over the years, this question has been bugging me. Had someone asked me this question 15yrs ago, I would have replied the following without hesitation - 'It's a curse, not worth a diddle.'
At that moment in time, I had begun to turn my back my poetry and anything to do with writing in general.
Not only had I found it a waste of time, but perhaps I was equally depressed and angry at the world.
Even as I was going through this phase, the question constantly whirred away inside my head.
Now a days, I see writing as both a gift and an escape route. Yes I can see you thinking - 'Anyone can write, so why call it a gift?' Well to answer that question, here is my answer - it is true that anyone can write, but with a true writer it takes - imagination, grit, eye for detail and never giving up, this is the sign of a true writer. Whether it be as a poet, screen writer author etc....
Maybe experience also plays a part, to have wandered down life's path - making mistakes, laughing crying, losing, winning, learning and most of all - love. Maybe that is what makes a writer 'Great'?
Back to where we were. I think I have explained how writing can be a gift. It truly is a marvel to conjur something up out of thin air and make it your own.
Writing can be (it is for me) an escape route from the mundane reality of day to day life.
It (writing) allows me to take and relive the greatest parts of my life, especially my childhood moments. Or even let's me take a trip back down memory lane to once again see my loved ones who have long since passed away.
In doing this it causes me both pleasure and pain, pleasure as it makes me smile. laugh and appreciate the good times. Pain because it brings back the fact they are no longer around.
Here is an example - Grandad Sid when he lived in his first floor flat (Uncle Brendan lived in the ground floor flat), staying there and sticking half my body out of his sash window to look at Blackpool tower all lit up, my dad shouting at me to get back in before I fell out, or how Grandad Sid used to always buy me Juicy fruit chewing gum.
I am what I am. I do what I do. If you don't like it, walk out that door. This sums me up perfectly.
Somehow writing is a calling, whether we as writers know it or not.
So, what's your opinion? Is writing a gift? A curse? Or something unique?
Thoughts for the week - discover something new and be proud of who you are, you are unique and
Never walk past an open door, opportunities are lost and we may never see that door open again.
I'll let you ponder over that.
See you next week :-)
I hope all is well with you today?
It has been a busy week and the denstist pain right now hurts lol! Yes it was the dreaded dentist this morning, step one of two, temp cap, with my new crown ready in 2 weeks time, doesn't sound painful does it? Until now lol, - get numbed, teeth checked, shave bad tooth down until there is a third left, then it is mould time, then glue temp cap on and out the door! Blooming jaw ache too thanks to the pressure the dentist exerted, mind you I suppose it was a necessary evil.
Monday was a snow day, the kids had an unexpected day off school, which meant chaos for us.
Tuesday we went to Halifax to pick a relative up from Hospital, glad to know he is home, though it will take time to get back to normal.
Wednesday I met my mum then went to my Auntie's new place.
Thursday Amelia went to hospital to have bloods done.
The rest felt like an utter blur.
Right onto the title subject, obviously as the title suggests, is writing a gift? A curse? Or something unique?
I guess that depends upon your point of view.
Over the years, this question has been bugging me. Had someone asked me this question 15yrs ago, I would have replied the following without hesitation - 'It's a curse, not worth a diddle.'
At that moment in time, I had begun to turn my back my poetry and anything to do with writing in general.
Not only had I found it a waste of time, but perhaps I was equally depressed and angry at the world.
Even as I was going through this phase, the question constantly whirred away inside my head.
Now a days, I see writing as both a gift and an escape route. Yes I can see you thinking - 'Anyone can write, so why call it a gift?' Well to answer that question, here is my answer - it is true that anyone can write, but with a true writer it takes - imagination, grit, eye for detail and never giving up, this is the sign of a true writer. Whether it be as a poet, screen writer author etc....
Maybe experience also plays a part, to have wandered down life's path - making mistakes, laughing crying, losing, winning, learning and most of all - love. Maybe that is what makes a writer 'Great'?
Back to where we were. I think I have explained how writing can be a gift. It truly is a marvel to conjur something up out of thin air and make it your own.
Writing can be (it is for me) an escape route from the mundane reality of day to day life.
It (writing) allows me to take and relive the greatest parts of my life, especially my childhood moments. Or even let's me take a trip back down memory lane to once again see my loved ones who have long since passed away.
In doing this it causes me both pleasure and pain, pleasure as it makes me smile. laugh and appreciate the good times. Pain because it brings back the fact they are no longer around.
Here is an example - Grandad Sid when he lived in his first floor flat (Uncle Brendan lived in the ground floor flat), staying there and sticking half my body out of his sash window to look at Blackpool tower all lit up, my dad shouting at me to get back in before I fell out, or how Grandad Sid used to always buy me Juicy fruit chewing gum.
I am what I am. I do what I do. If you don't like it, walk out that door. This sums me up perfectly.
Somehow writing is a calling, whether we as writers know it or not.
So, what's your opinion? Is writing a gift? A curse? Or something unique?
Thoughts for the week - discover something new and be proud of who you are, you are unique and
Never walk past an open door, opportunities are lost and we may never see that door open again.
I'll let you ponder over that.
See you next week :-)
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